Six Things I Wish I Knew a Decade Ago About Parenting a Deeply Feeling Child

1. Popular parenting strategies will not work for every highly sensitive, deeply feeling child

For a long time, it felt like we were swinging on a pendulum: be gentle and validate feelings. Wait, that's not working. Be harsh and use punishments. Wait, that's not working either. Then back again. Over and over.

We were doing the best we could, gathering resources and tools from doctors, occupational therapists, cognitive behavioral therapists, and other experts. Much of the advice was well-intended and highly effective for many children, but it was not working in our home. That is because deeply feeling kids — Dr. Becky Kennedy and Good Inside use the term Deeply Feeling Kids® — often need a different approach. If you have been through that same pendulum, it may help to read more about why the standard strategies tend to fall flat with these kids.

2. The road back to developmentally appropriate responses is long and winding

The progress in our home felt more like a staircase than a straight line. We would see improvement, then plateau for a while, sometimes even sliding backward, before making another meaningful gain.

That pattern showed up in both us and our child. Sometimes we stayed calm during one hard moment and lost it during the next. But the more progress we saw, the easier it became to fully commit to a different way of responding.

3. “A regulated adult is the most powerful tool in the room”

I do not know who originally said this, but it proved true for us. Staying regulated during a 10-out-of-10 meltdown is incredibly hard, but when we do, two important things happen.

First, we model what we want our kids to do when they are frustrated or distressed. If we become heated in the middle of their meltdown, we are doing exactly what we are asking them not to do.

Second, as Dr. Becky Kennedy teaches, we communicate that their feelings do not scare us. If I can handle their frustration, then over time, they can learn to handle it too. As she says:

In other words, we have to tolerate their distress and stay calm before they can learn to tolerate it themselves.

4. During a meltdown is not the time to teach, fix, or logic your way out of the situation

This goes hand in hand with number three. The more we try to stop a meltdown by teaching, fixing, or reasoning, the more we communicate: I am scared of this feeling in you, and I need it to go away.

One of the most powerful things I learned from Dr. Becky Kennedy is this: it is not your job to make it stop. Your job is to be with your child, bring a calm presence, and use fewer words. There is a time for teaching, but it usually happens hours later, well outside the moment of dysregulation.

5. Anger and resentment are real, but acting out of them fuels a vicious cycle

If you feel like you are pouring enormous time, energy, and patience into helping your struggling child, it makes sense that resentment and anger may show up. Those feelings are real. But when we are parenting these kids, we have to find a way to set those feelings aside in the moment and process them elsewhere.

If resentment and anger drive our interactions, we reinforce the story that they are a bad kid. And if a parent does not believe in a child's goodness, that child will struggle to believe it about themselves. And if they don't believe they are good, they can't act good.

6. Parents have real power to shift the dynamics

There are things you can do that change the trajectory of your child's ability to regulate emotions and, over time, transform your relationship with them.

There is power in your hands. Use it.

This piece draws on ideas from Dr. Becky Kennedy and Good Inside, where I am a trained mentor. I am informed by that work but not affiliated with or endorsed by it.