Key takeaways
- Resistance to a new activity often isn't defiance — for a deeply feeling child, an unfamiliar setting can feel like a referendum on their worth as a person.
- Genuine interest and returning to the same activity again and again build more resilience than constant variety.
- Naming uncertainty and uncomfortable feelings ahead of time keeps a hard moment from feeling like proof something's wrong.
- The goal isn't convincing a child an activity is fun — it's validating that it's hard while believing they can get through it.
- Change happens through small, repeated shifts, not one conversation that fixes it.
A new activity brings new people, new rules, new transitions, and new expectations. For a deeply feeling child, not knowing where to sit, what to say, or what will happen next may feel intensely vulnerable. Losing a game, being corrected by an adult, or feeling left out may not register as “just part of camp.” It may feel more like:
Something is wrong with me. People are noticing. I'm not okay here.
In these moments, a new activity may feel like more than an unfamiliar setting. It can feel like a referendum on their worth as a person.
What Can Parents Do?
Let go of your agenda
Sometimes we choose an activity because it seems like a perfect fit: outdoors, enriching, social, or skill-building. But what looks wonderful on paper may still place too many demands on a child's nervous system.
Follow genuine interests
Interest matters. When a child is genuinely drawn to an activity, that interest can give them a reason to tolerate the uncomfortable parts. It does not make anxiety disappear, but it can increase motivation, persistence, and resilience. A child who loves horses, for example, may be more willing to work through the uncertainty of a new activity because being near the horses matters to them.
Choose depth over constant variety
Every new camp or activity means more unfamiliar people, rules, and transitions. Returning to something familiar multiple times allows a child to build deeper competence and experience themselves as capable. There is still room for stretch experiences that are introduced gradually.
How to Prepare Your Child
Parents often prepare children by explaining where they are going and what they will be doing. That is helpful, but children who struggle with new situations often need preparation in two additional areas: uncertainty and uncomfortable feelings.
Prepare them for what you do not know
We cannot remove all uncertainty, but we can make uncertainty expected. Try a “three things I know and three things I don't know” exercise:
“I know camp will be at Steve's Farm. I know you will ride a horse. I know I will pick you up at 3:00. I don't know whether you will ride on a trail or in an arena. I don't know whether you will choose your horse. I don't know whether there will be other activities besides riding.”
This helps a child understand that not knowing does not mean something has gone wrong. Uncertainty was part of the plan all along.
Prepare them for uncomfortable feelings
We often tell children, “You'll be fine,” or “You're going to have so much fun.” We mean to reassure them, but those statements can accidentally create another expectation they feel they must meet. The reality is that there may be moments when they feel nervous, embarrassed, lonely, frustrated, or confused. Naming that possibility ahead of time can reduce the sense that those feelings mean something is wrong. You might say:
“There may be a moment when you don't know what to do, someone corrects you, or you feel left out. You might feel nervous or embarrassed. Those are normal feelings to have when you are somewhere new. You do not have to feel comfortable every minute in order to get through the day.”
How to Respond to Complaints and Dysregulation
The goal is not to convince your child that the activity is wonderful. The goal is to validate the feeling without allowing anxiety to make every decision — close to what Dr. Becky Kennedy and Good Inside call the AVP framework: Acknowledge, Validate, Permit.
When your child is regulated but upset
“That sounds really hard. I believe you. It makes sense that it would feel hard to be at a new place with new people — you are having the exact right feeling about it. And you are a kid who can get through tricky feelings, and I will be here with you afterward.”
This communicates two things at once:
- I believe that this is hard.
- I believe that you can handle hard things.
When the complaints stay regulated but continue all evening
Some children need time to process, but repeatedly revisiting the same worry can make it grow. You might say:
“I'm going to listen closely for ten minutes. When the timer ends, we are going to take a break from talking about camp because I don't want worry to take over our entire evening. If you keep talking and I do not answer, it is not because I do not believe you or care. It is because I want to feed your confidence, not your fear.”
Don't expect your child to immediately stop complaining. Expect them to continue complaining while you nod and continue on with your evening without engaging in back and forth.
When your child is highly dysregulated
When a child is overwhelmed, fewer words are usually better.
“I hear you. I'm here. We are not solving camp right now.”
Your calm presence communicates that their feelings are intense but not dangerous — and that you are not frightened by them.
On the morning of the activity
Try not to latch onto the first expression of resistance.
“That makes sense. Mornings before something hard can feel this way. I'm going to make breakfast. We'll keep moving through the morning together.”
Continue the routine without turning the complaint into a debate or reopening the decision.
At drop-off
Keep the goodbye brief, clear, and predictable:
“I'm going to leave now. I love you, and I know you can do this. I will be here at 3:00 to pick you up. Counselor Mia is going to help you put your backpack away and find your group.”
Then give your child a hug, say goodbye, and leave. For children who find drop-off especially difficult, ask whether the program can arrange for the same adult to greet them each day.
What to Avoid
Try to avoid:
- repeatedly assuring your child that nothing bad will happen
- arguing them out of their feelings
- trying to prove that they will have fun
- renegotiating the plan during moments of panic
- repeatedly offering early pickup as a way to reduce distress
When adults become visibly uncertain, children may conclude that their feelings really are too big or dangerous to handle. The message we want to communicate is not, “There is nothing to be afraid of.” It is: “I believe this feels hard, and I believe you can cope with the hard feeling.”
These patterns echo Dr. Eli Lebowitz's research on reducing family accommodation of childhood anxiety, and clinician Lynn Lyons's work on how repeated reassurance can unintentionally feed the very worry it's meant to calm.
When It Is Appropriate to Change the Plan
Sometimes an activity truly is not the right fit. If your child is distressed throughout the day for several days, is not recovering between sessions, is unable to participate, is creating significant disruption for others, or has a genuine safety concern, it may be appropriate to shorten the day or leave the program.
The key is to make that decision thoughtfully and outside the peak moment of dysregulation. Rather than communicating, “Your feelings scared me, so I changed my mind,” you can say:
“I looked at the whole situation and decided this camp is not the right fit. I am the adult, and it is my job to make that decision. We are going to try a different plan.”
We are not trying to force children through distress at all costs. We are helping them learn that hard feelings are survivable while also paying attention to whether an environment is genuinely workable for them.
One Degree at a Time
I once heard psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour use the image of a boat changing course by one degree. At first, the shift may seem almost invisible. Over a long enough distance, however, that one-degree change can lead somewhere entirely different. That is how I think about these parenting tools.
The first time you validate without over-reassuring, it may not look like much. The first time you stop negotiating at drop-off, it may not feel like success. The first time you say, “You can feel nervous and still get ready,” your child may still cry.
But small shifts matter.
Every time we communicate, “I believe you, and I believe in your ability to cope,” we change the direction — not all at once and not perfectly, but one degree at a time. Over time, that can change more than your child's experience of camp and new activities. It can shape how they understand themselves: as someone who can feel deeply, face discomfort, and make it through hard moments with the support of a calm and confident adult.
This piece draws on ideas from Dr. Lisa Damour, Lynn Lyons LICSW, Dr. Becky Kennedy and Good Inside, and Dr. Eli Lebowitz.
Looking for support?
If you'd like help figuring out how to support your child through camp, a new class, or another hard transition, I'd love to help.
You can book a risk-free first session where we'll talk through what's happening in your home and whether parent coaching feels like the right fit. I only charge for the full coaching package after the second session, so we both have a chance to decide whether it's a good fit. If you decide after the first session not to continue, there is no charge.
No pressure. No commitment from a first session. Just a conversation about what's happening in your home and whether this approach could help your family.